Sometimes marriage can be a lonely place...

I recently read a beautiful blog by Chrissie Jones (www.mother.ly/life)

“Sometimes motherhood can feel really lonely”.

There is so much truth in her blog. After reading it, my first thought was that I don’t often feel lonely in motherhood, but, as a wife to a husband with long working hours and a time-demanding job, I often feel lonely in marriage. This is not an easy title for a blog, but I think there are a lot more women who feel so content in their role as a mom and as a wife, and who loves both, but just feels that it would have been so amazing to have more of her husband’s time and more of his support with the children. My husband loves his job, he is very good at what he does and he is a gifted, enthusiastic and skilled surgeon. The times that he is at home, he really puts us first, he spends quality time with the children and is really unselfish in giving his attention to us when he can. I can really see the fruits of the Spirit in my husband and I am thankful that our children can see this too. I stopped practicing as an attorney five years ago, when our second daughter was born. I love being at home, I love having time to go to the gym in the mornings, to have time do grocery shopping and run errands while our daughters are at school and I love spending time with a very cute baby Isak in the mornings. I enjoy our kids. I enjoy my life. I am thankful for my life.  That being said, I dream of how it must be to know that my husband will be in time for dinner every evening, or better - be home before dinner and assist in Isak’s bath time, or have time before dinner to spend time with our daughters, ( I imagine families that go for walks or cycling in the afternoon), have weekends off, and not have December holidays on-call.  To be able to ask him to just sometimes take the kids to school, or to get them after. My husband mostly sees me in my gym clothes and then again in my pyjamas :-) I am usually the only parent at athletics meetings, or children’s parties or church and Sunday family lunches. I know how it feels to have a whole weekend with three kids and with a working husband.  It also feels as if only other doctor’s wives understand the real concept of being on-call, having to leave early morning to do rounds, to have long theatre hours and to try an explain all that to others. But, I came to realise - other men have meetings that run late, they have out-of-town business trips, they have work that they bring home to complete, or they might be teachers who have to go on school camps or attend school functions. There is no “perfect” work for a husband. And then Genesis comes to mind: “By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread” (Gen 3:19) and “thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you;” (Gen 3:18). As long as we are on Earth and not in Heaven, our husbands will “sweat” to provide for us. His work will be full of “thorns and thistles”.  Long having accepted my husband's late and long hours doesn’t make it less lonely. Nor does it make it easier to have negative feelings towards him for coming home late or missing a music concert. I have to take that feelings to God, before that “seed” of negativity grows and ends up being a big tree full of resentment. To accept that God has a certain plan for each family, that He knows the feelings of our hearts, and that He has so much Grace for us, makes it easier to accept our family’s unique struggles and composition.  I have a little “survival kit” that I have built up though the years: 1. I love reading. To me, an evening with the kids asleep, my husband in theatre and a good book is a good evening and I look forward to those evenings in a quiet home :) 2. I take afternoon walks with the kids or take them to the park. The longest hour of my day is the one between 16:00 and 17:00. We are usually at home by that time after extra-mural activities, it is too early to have a bath or to start preparing dinner, so we usually take an afternoon walk. I have been taking afternoon walks or jogs with the kids, since our eldest was just a few months old. It has become one of our earliest traditions. 3. 17:00 is play time. The daughters don’t do any chores or music practicing or homework after 17:00. They just play. That way I can focus on Isak’s dinner and bath time. 4. I try not to feel guilty when accepting help from our nanny or family. I used to feel that I must cope with everything, alone, but it is sometimes so necessary to ask for help. Isak was very ill with an ear infection a few months ago and I was struggling to recover from flu, all while my husband was away. My parents took our daughters to spend the evening with them. I was so thankful, it made such a difference.  5. I plan activities for weekends. I always plan something special for the kids and I on a weekend that my husband is working. I tend to make our mornings very busy and tire them out, then we all have long afternoon naps. Even if we just go out for coffee and babyccinos. 6. We make time for “date nights”. I love that my husband is always enthusiastic for any alone time with me. We go for dinner twice a month. I try to go with my husband to some of his out of town conferences and I am always first in line to accompany him to any function.  7. I keep to our daily routine, even though my husband might not be home for dinner or bed time. 

8. I make time for quiet-time during the day. Time to spend time with God, or to have a coffee by myself, or to take a quick nap. Just time to rest, to be in God’s rest. 

9. I exercise! It always amazes me how exercise can get rid of negative feelings. I always feel better thereafter.

10. I handle the discipline when I am alone with our kids. I do not tell my husband in front of our kids about bad behaviour that they were already disciplined for, and I try to remember to say something positive in front of them to my husband about each one’s behaviour during the day. I do not leave discipline for my husband for when he comes home, except when the behaviour needs to be addressed by both of us. That way, when my husband comes home from work, we are all positive about our day and the kids are not reminded of any of their missteps. Dr Arnold Mol’s book “Ouerskap wat Werk”, is a book that I can really recommend. I am so thankful for wisdom and lessons that I have learned in his book. 

 Because of his long hours, I never take any of our time together for granted. I soak in moments and holidays together. 

My husband is so good at discipline, at explaining things and at handling difficult situations, he seems so “sorted”. I wish our children could have more of him, because there are times that I really feel inadequate at handling our day-to-day lives as a mother on my own - how can I be good enough for our kids? My sister sent this to me, written by Hettie Brittz, “I choose to believe and will continue to make the case that each (un)Natural Mom is exactly the right kind of unnatural. Her design fits the design of her children. In spite of her unique, unnatural bits and pieces, she is preparing her family for a journey only God knows everything about." Upon reading this, I immediately realised that I am exactly the right mom for our kids. God knows that we are on a journey with a dad whom He uses to have wisdom and kindness towards his patients and to be available to them. I am not alone with our kids - God is with us, daily and in every moment. He will provide wisdom in every situation. 

God is preparing our families for journeys only He knows everything about, whether your husband is working long hours, or away a lot on business trips, or home often, or whether you are the one working long hours, and feeling like you are not a good enough mom for not being able to be with your kids during the day. And knowing that He knows everything, makes the sometimes loneliness more bearable and well...not so lonely.