Letting go

So this blog, for me at least, is quite a personal one in the sense that it's not only a blog about a recent event/memory as it's more about this one aspect in my life that I need constant reminding of...

Our little girl is turning 3 in a months time...and if you know her you'll know she has a fierce and adventurous spirit. Nothing seems to big or challenging for her. Give her a high wall she'll gladly climb and jump it. Give her an open field she'll run it a 1000 times. In everything she does, she does it with passion and enthusiasm and NOTHING scares her...except one thing....

At the small age of only 15 months our little girl has been through 2 big operations (if you didn't know her you would never have said she's been through what she's been through) and this has caused some major separation anxiety from going in to theater more than once where all these strange doctors work with her and all those theater machinery stare at her in the face.

We have been SO SO blessed to have been able to have her with me during the day. I absolutely LOVE having her with me (and her little brother) at home, spending time together, seeing how she grows right in front of me and admiring her personality everyday. I didn't send her to a school as the mere thought of spending a long time away from mommy and daddy with strangers (cue the theater scene) was enough to make her go into a total state of panic. So I chose to keep her with us as long as possible to keep her from going through the anxiety I knew would most likely take over...

THEN THIS YEAR CAME...and I knew the time to send her to school grew closer and closer each day, which meant I will have to help her face the separation (even if it's just for a little while) and I will have to help her comprehend and understand that I will be there for her when it's all said and done (cue the theater scene AGAIN). In retrospect, I think the separation anxiety was not just from her side, but mine also. I did not want to let her go to school where I don't know what she'll be doing, if she'll get hurt or if she'll be unhappy. The thought of not being there to console her when she's hurt or upset broke my motherheart 10 thousand times over and over again.

And the God spoke...LET HER GO!!!

My heart broke. I knew, I just knew, I had to let her go. Some of you might read and think "it's just school!" but for us being through what we've been through it's just SO much more than that!!! I had to let go of my fear of not being able to protect her. I had to let go of my anxiety that she would be unhappy without me and I had to let go of the massive concept that even IF I wanted, I couldn't always protect her: not physically, emotionally or spiritually.

As I am typing this she is currently at school, her second day and she LOVES it!!! She even ran to her teacher today. She left my hand and ran away from me to the unknown. That's when I realized how much she's teaching me. Sometimes it is just best to leave my comfort of "knowing" and trust God with the unknown future...even if it scares me the way it does.

I'm still learning to let it go...IN EVERYTHING...my fear, anxiety and desire to control. It's not easy, but in order for me to grow in these areas I need to learn to trust God in it: ALL OF IT!!!

"To trust God in the light is nothing...but to trust Him in the dark is EVERYTHING!"

xxx Renske