I have kids...what was I thinking?

Ok. So let me be honest from the start. I love my kids, no wait, I literally ADORE them.

But...I must admit I had my moments these last few days where I found myself wondering: what were you thinking?!

Let me explain.

I decided to take our 2 kiddies (a 3yr old toddler and a 9 month old baby) to visit my parents in Gauteng by myself as my hubby couldn’t join us on this trip.That meant I had to fly (ALONE I might add again) with our 2 kids to see their grandparents who they only see twice, max 3 times a year.

So this is how the stages of my emotional preparation went:

1. At first the idea of flying alone with them scared me a bit.

2. Then I got my brain wrapped around the idea of how I’m going to just ace this journey.

3. Doubt: how, if, where, when

So the flight to Gauteng from Cpt went as smooth as it can. Baby slept, our girl watched stories and ate all the sweets to her delight.

We had such a blessed week! The kids enjoyed their grandparents and all the gifts, attention and love SO much that I felt guilty for not always paying THAT kind of attention to them.

But in all honesty, I think that’s a special kind of grace on grandparents lives: to love intensely, to give undivided attention and to spoil rotten.

After our amazing week we had to fly back. I was super confident as I already passed our first flight with flying colors.

Forward to the flight: all.hell.broke.loose. Our flight was delayed, so we sat in the plane for 45mins extra. Our baby (who was supposed to sleep during the flight) slept while we were delayed on ground.

Our little girl didn’t want to watch her movies, she didn’t want to color in, she didn’t want to read her books and she sure as hell didn’t want to sit in her seat for 2 hours!!

So needless to say (for me) the flight was quite intense on our way back and at one point, while our baby was busy throwing his toys on the people in front of us, and while our girl was crying because she just cannot see her daddy yet (we are 36 000ft in the air!)

I just had this moment, a rare one at that, and wondered: what are people thinking having kids?

We landed and went to fetch our luggage. At this point I’m so freakin excited to see my husband...the mere thought of giving the kids to him seemed like heaven that I missed the last 8 days.

As I’m waiting for our very big bag, I just couldn’t hold our 9kg baby anymore.

So I think “what the heck” and put him down on the airport floor.

The total shock and disgust of the not-yet-mommy ladies or the newly-wed-ladies came as no surprise to me.

Our baby was basically sitting on a dirty floor where thousands of people walk on, his dummy was dragging behind him, his hands went to his mouth all the time aaaaand I’m pretty sure he ate a small piece of Simba chip lying there somewhere. Our little girl was swinging from the railways like a monkey asking where her dad was.

I just couldn’t. I was dead tired.

I couldn’t help but secretly glance at the other ladies (non-mommies) standing their with their makeup perfectly done, their clothes dressed to kill and their small little handbags that can most likely only hold their phone and a lipstick. I wondered where I lost THAT part of me....Our baby boy screaming interrupted that thought quickly.

A nice oom offered to take my very big bag and put it on our trolley. He saw I had my hands quite full. As I walked away I heard one of those previously mentioned ladies say “shame. Having kids looks intense”.I couldn’t help but think “yup. Totally right. No denying. Aint gonna argue.” I was even contemplating shouting out “amen sister” but I thought that might offend other people and think I’m being blasphemous.

As we reached my husband. Our daughter almost jumped off the trolley and ran into her daddy’s arms. Giving him the biggest hug ever and said “I love you”.After that she told him almost 20 times “I missed you”.

Yup. I was tired. I was drained. I had a developing migraine from all of the happenings that morning. But...I was thankful.

I did envy those ladies who didn’t seem to have a care in the world (kid wise) and looked like they’re about to go for a shoot. I did envy their freedom. I did wish I could just do things when I wanted, how I wanted without having kids licking floors, hanging from rails etc.

But I couldn’t. That’s not who I am any more.

I got blessed with two amazing adorable kids who fill our loves with THE most amazing joy ever. I choose to have kids, and I realized I have to choose to focus on the good, not the bad.

Yes at times being a mother is overwhelming. Yes I have wondered at times if we were crazy for having kids. Yes I have envied (a few times) the freedom non-parents have.But man oh man. If I think of them not being part of my picture...I cannot see it. I cannot picture them not being part of our lives.

I adore them. I love them. I embrace them: ALL OF THEM. Even when at times I don’t know how.

Because, let’s be honest: “Children are a heritage from the Lord. A reward from Him” - Ps 127:3

Lots of honest love

Renske

xxx