How do you know enough is enough?

I’ve always wanted kids. When we got married 8 years ago, it was a matter of when, and not if… So when I went off the pill* and years went by with not even a glimmer of a normal cycle, not even to mention a pregnancy, fear and doubt crept in.

And the dreaded question popped its head up – what if I can’t have kids?

Being a Christian, we almost get “taught” to not think like that. Be positive, thank God in advance. God has made us whole. Children are a gift from the Lord… the list goes on of well meaning things that people around you keep telling you.

But there’s still nothing.

I started seeing doctors, got started on fertility treatments. Clomid doesn’t even bring on an ovulation, that’s how bad I had it. More Clomid, trigger shots… nothing works.

And of course most of us know how the added pressure does not help the body to function at all, so now you have to try and convince yourself that you’re fine! You’re bright and breezy! And when people ask for the thousandth time: “So… when is it your turn?” You have to stop yourself from not screaming into their face – I’m not falling pregnant! My body is failing me!

Maybe God has decided that children are not in my future and that scares me senseless. So please, stop asking me!!!

But you nod and smile and say: Hopefully soon.

I’m lucky that I was surrounded by friends in similar situations. Well, by lucky I mean not lonely in my circumstances. All of my friends have also known struggles to fall pregnant, struggle to stay pregnant, IVF… The struggle for us, was very real. Where my sisters on the other hand, fell pregnant the first month’s they tried. That was so hard on me.

I remember I was in a dark place, wanting a baby so badly, not knowing if it was ever going to happen, and my sister walked in one evening and said she’s pregnant. They weren’t even trying.

In fact, they were trying to stop it from happening. I felt betrayed in that moment. By her. By my body. By God, most of all. Because can’t he just think it and heal me? Think it and give me a baby? Surely the creator of the universe could help me out with this, my biggest desire? But there was only quiet.

We went to France for 3 weeks in 2013. Me, suitcases filled with Clomid! Surely this time, it would work. I mean, it’s France!

I got back and basically ran to Ampath to get the blood tests done. They called me back. You’re not just not pregnant. There was no ovulation. Still.

I was done. I was tired of hoping and praying and wanting. I needed a break.

Four weeks later I woke up feeling different.** I took a test. She was here. I was six weeks pregnant with a sticky bean. At the first scan we saw a solid heartbeat. At 12 weeks they confirmed what I already knew, my little girl was growing beautifully. Choosing her name was like opening a gift you’ve had for ages, out of the wrapping poured the letters “Hannah”. Meaning grace and favour. And that’s exactly what she meant to me. I had God’s grace. His favour covered me in the knowledge of her presence.

After her birth at my six week check up, my gynae said they don’t know what my body will do. It could take another four years or longer to make a sibling, so they encouraged me to stay away from contraceptives. That December Hannah was five months old and we were getting ready to introduce solids and teaching her to sit. I woke up one morning, had my coffee and rusks and looked to my sister and said: “They’ve changed the recipe. They’re using margarine in the rusks.” I knew.

It took me a week to take a test and confirm what I already knew… I was baking another baby, giving me a gap of 14 months between my children. Now I can write novels on my experience of having two under two, but now is not the time.

My son was born and I was raising two babies. At my six week check up, we didn’t even discuss the option of birth control, we just had to decide which one!

For two years we were barely hanging on, really just surviving. Whenever someone would bring up the option of a third child, we would laugh wildly and tell them sure, if they’ll raise them. No, we were done.

But after a while there was a little spark in me, something that when I looked at the love I had for my children, sent off quick thoughts of: what would another one be like? If these two are so incredible, just imagine more of that… Sure when I asked Husband, he would tell me I’m crazy and remind me of all the sleepless nights and teething and nappies and how far apart we grew, and only know does it feel like we’re getting back what we had. Just him and me.

And the logical part of my brain would take over and know that two is enough.

But in October of 2017 we were living in Cape Town for a while, Husband had a job there, and you know what the Cape is like… There’s beauty and wine and mountains and wine and the sea and wine… and have I mentioned there was wine?

Well, that lead to a positive pregnancy test, taken the morning we were about to depart, leaving Husband there for another month…

Six weeks later I had a miscarriage...***

Something happened to me after that. Physically, emotionally. I don’t know. But whatever it was hit me hard. My PCOS was back in full swing and I just stopped ovulating. For months. I went to the gynae who confirmed my suspicions. My body was in hibernation mode. This left me at a of a crossroads. How much intervention do you do from this stage on? He was suggesting rounds of Progesterone and Clomid, but my heart was saying no. You do those things if you’re trying for a baby, I was done. Right?

You see, that little voice was back… The desire and thoughts of one more baby consumed me. I knew that Husband would accept it if it just happened, but he would definitely not be on board with medical intervention to make it happen. But if you’re not ovulating, you can’t fall pregnant. So I was in a catch 22.

So I decided to give it back to God.

He says in Phil 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I know I can’t do more. So the moment I start feeling anxious, I know that I’ve picked up my burden again and I have to make a concerted effort to say no, this is the perk of following a giving and loving God, a Father who says in Luke 12:7 “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid.”

Will I have a third child? Will my body start working again as it was intended to?

Who knows? But what I have been promised is clear in Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” And that’s the promise I’m standing on.

*I was prescribed the pill at 17 and it’s a whole story on its own.

**My journey falling pregnant with my daughter wasn’t an easy one, so I’ll elaborate on that at a later stage.

*** I wrote two blogposts on this chapter in my life, if you want, you can read them here – Part 1: https://thehartofmothering.blogspot.com/2017/11/for-joy-of-lord-is-my-strength.html